Every moment I have a choice in how I can act, what I can think, what I can do.  My choices don’t appear in a vacuum, however, they are informed by my present state: my mood, my body, my desires, my being.   Yet, the choices I make inevitably change my being.

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to choreograph my life.  My current teacher, P, uses that word.  He was a dancer.  My energy in this temporal realm of life is limited, and how I choose to expend it, what I choose to create, both within myself, and out in the world is precious.  Yet, sometimes, I make decisions that don’t enhance my overall well-being as much as other choices.  This has to do with the present.  When I make the choice, I am influenced by my body, emotions, and state of mind.  Specifically, late at night, sometimes I get physically tired, sore, exhausted, or emotionally drained from dwelling on overwhelm or sadness.  From that present state, I often make choices that are sub-optimal for my future well-being such as staying online too long, eating more than my body needs, staying too active for the time of day, etc. The state influences the choice.  The choice then influences the state.  This is a simplified version of the core cycle of Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy.

What I saw this morning in my meditation was that the state <–> choice dialectic is heavily ingrained and influenced by what I’m going to call Cognitive Resonance States. A Cognitive Resonant State is a state that has a certain stickiness.  It wants to resonate at a certain vibration, and if you perturb it, it wants to return to that vibration.  You have to go to a great deal of trouble to break out of that vibration, and then you’ll start sliding towards a different cognitive resonant state.  In math and physics, these states are referred to attractors, and the set of states that lead to them is the basin of attraction.

A typical tired state has a tendency to attract behaviors that perpetuate the tired state. Hence, when I’m tired, I choose less-than-optimal choices that perpetuate the tired states.  This cognitive resonant state is an ingrained pattern of behaviors, feelings, thoughts that resonate together and reinforce each other.

In a spiritually connected cognitive resonant state, I no longer feel tired, I feel supported, loved, and held, and that state “affords” healthier behavior patterns that support me better such as meditation, eating healthier, choosing to rest, self-nurturing.  These in turn create a more spiritually connected state.

For me, the critical distinction was to see the patterns in resonance.  To understand that the choice doesn’t stand alone by itself, that it is part of a whole, and that whole has a certain resonance.  All choices don’t need to be perfect, but taken as a whole, the choices I make create a resonance, and that resonance tends to perpetuate itself.

This is one of the beautiful gifts of mindfulness and witnessing.  When I can witness the competition within myself of these two states, then I can better understand the impact of my choice and make choices that I feel serve my highest good.  Without the mindful ability to witness myself as I am making these choices, then I am simply stuck in the “beingness” of the cognitive resonant state, and tend towards the resonant that is closest to my current state.  With mindfulness, I can choose to jump out of the current state into a different state.

When I witness myself as physically tired, and witness the tendency of that to perpetuate the tired cognitive resonante state, I can choose actions from another cognitive resonant state, actions that I know will self-perpetuate and create that state.

This is the blessing of choice.  The blessing of free will.  Yes, we are always supported, and all that happens contains gifts and blessings that evolve and grow who we are along our path.  Yet, our choices create immediate and definitive impact within ourselves and all that we influence around us.



I started the day with some breathwork and then some tantric practices.  Then I spent a few hours processing with K around our different roles, masculine/feminine power and attraction, and energetics.  Ultimately, in the late afternoon and evening, I feel like I lost a lot of momentum and forward movement.  My breathwork and tantric practices as well as a morning jog kickstarted my day off well, but I definitely  feel like another spiritual practice in the afternoon would have been helpful.  I definitely felt like I retreated into fear.


The Yearning for Self Improvement

Day 1 – Sunset


I meditated just now with the Sun.  With my mind’s eye, I observed my heart within, trapped in a cage, the flickering flame of my yearning for self improvement.  I opened up my arms and received the Sun’s Flame, allowing His Light to rush into my flame.

As I sat here feeling the Sun’s light stoking my inner flame, I said to myself:

I want more out of life.
I want more joy.
I want more abundance.
I want more healing.
I want more healing for myself.
I want more healing for others.
I want more healing for the world.
I want more love.
I want more light.
I want more strength.
I want more discipline.
I want more laughter.
I want more amazement.
I want more ease.
I want more beauty.
I want more pleasure.
I want more magic.
I want more miracles.

Yes, yes, yes!

I want more.

I want more God.


I finished another sacred journey last night.  It was powerful and yet mild at the same time.

In the midst of the journey, a vision came to me of my own heart, and it was encaged in a sturdy egg-shaped bird cage of thick wrought-iron bars. Locked within this cage, my heart was beating with all my untapped potential: the changes that I wished to make, how I wanted to improve, and the strength and determination to make all those changes.  For a brief moment, it was crystal clear to me, in each area of my life, what I needed to do to right a wrong, fix a problem, or create brilliance.

Seeing my own process – where I am in my life, and all that I want to improve and create – I realized that I needed to simplify my next step.  To take all these changes and actions back into my life, would shortly result in overwhelm, frustration, and abandonment of all my good intentions.  Instead, I decided to choose one thing from the journey that I could bring with me – one action item, one process, one shift that I could stay with and nurture and nourish.

In that moment, with all my untapped potential laid out before me, I chose my yearning for self-improvement.  A yearning that once filled me on a daily basis as a teenager when I dreamed of all the places I would see, the accomplishments I would achieve, the relationships I would create.  A yearning that I rarely felt anymore, and when it did arise, was fleeting and ephemeral.  When the yearning has been absent from my life, I’ve stopped looking for God, stopped wanting to heal, stopped dreaming. I’ve accepted the perceived mediocrity of the present, and I’ve succumbed to the hopelessness of pessimism.

It is my hope that by choosing to nurture my yearning for self improvement, it will begin a chain reaction within my soul.  Cultivating my yearning for self-improvement is the first tumbler falling into place in the lock of my soul.  Once it is in place, other changes will follow: more tumblers falling into place.  Ultimately, the lock will open and I will once again be re-united with my true self.

So each and every day, I devote myself to cultivating the growing fire within my heart: my yearning for self improvement.  I don’t know whether I will practice this for 7 days or 21 days or 90 days.  I will grow this fire into a flaming fireball of yearning and craving within me, one that may be my constant companion throughout my days.



Somewhere amidst the silence of the whispering winds I know it waits.

I stalk it through my meandering thoughts and unbidden feelings.

I see glimpses through the leaves, and taste it on the tip of my tongue.

With each breath, I close upon my prey.

Slumbering eyelids, softening awareness pull me beneath the waves.

If I surrender, I’ll lose it, and unbidden it will hunt me.

As I dream, it will haunt me, through the grasses of my unconscious.

With each breath, it closes upon me.

Reserves of strength within me are depleted.

I want to fight, fight, and fight on again.

Yet, the light within my chest fades.

With my last breath, I close.

It courses through my veins.

It slithers through my thoughts.

A ragged gasp of breath.

What is it that seeks its release within me?

A blood-curdling scream caught silent at my throat.

Shuddering, tremulous vibrations streaming through my bones.

A righteous fist expectantly dragging on jagged stone.

Who are you? Why are you here?

Jaw-clenched, eyes rolled back, breath suspended…

I wait… I allow … I plead …

To release.

So, the messages have come again and again.  It’s time to start writing again.  I’m not going to put a container on this, and decide what form it will take.  I will share that I feel writing 3-4 complete posts a week sounds good.  Will that happen?  I shall walk the path and see.

Much of this new writing will be more personal.  I find that when I try and write from an impersonal space, that the message lacks grounding, lacks tangible emotion, and isn’t firmly rooted in experience.  It can also get too didactic or theoretical, which I would like to avoid.   For my own personal journey, it is time now to share and open up more about my own challenges and life.  Authenticity and transparency are tenets I’ve believed in for a long time, yet have not fully owned or lived by.  And willingness to share my truth, regardless of fears or shame or guilt, is a sadhana of its very own.

I have been writing sporadically. Whether it’s personal journaling or letters to close friends, the words and meaning have been created over these last few years.   It’s time to share more, then, too.  I will sporadically find some of my old journal entries or other letters and bring them back here, as well.

Eventually, I might want to put a container on some of this writing. Whether it’s a book or booklet or website is unclear.  As well, as this flows, it may be time to seek out greater support for the writing aspect, as well.  I do have a novel idea that’s been brewing for several years.  That is all in the future, though.  For now, it is enough to practice.

Thoughts, emotions, spirit and feeling.  Not just intellectual meaning, but also emotional meaning, spiritual meaning, physical meaning.  These I want to convey in words.  Sentences may fail me.  Poetry may help.  Images may help, though I’ve never been one for image-based art.  We shall see what form this takes as I walk my path.


This quote appeared on my iPad yesterday. It didn’t resonate at first, but I re-read it, and suddenly, I knew it was exactly what I needed. It describes a beautiful practice that goes beyond witnessing your emotions. It’s tantric in nature. Celebrate your emotions, love them, laugh with them, embrace them. We are human. We have intense periods of negative emotions. Anger, Sorrow, Pain. Love them and they will serve you. Fight them, and they will haunt you.

I find that the challenge comes when I get caught up in the whirlwind of the emotion and forget that I am not my emotions. I am the guest house, and the emotions are the guests. When I self-identify with the emotions, then they control me. I become my anger, my depression, my sadness. Then, I lose myself, lose my connection with God, and become lost in the illusion (maya).

For me, the practice is having enough witnessing and detachment to observe when the emotional torrents begin, so that I may welcome these beautiful emotional house guests with joy, laughter, and love, so that they may cleanse my human guest house and heal my human heart.

The theme of the last two months has been self-love.  And oh has it been a journey.  I moved into grace, then fell far out of grace, and I am finally moving back into grace, back into a healthy, constant practice of self-love, self-nurturing, and self-acceptance.

My current mantra/affirmation:


It has given me such incredible healing and power.  I use it when I’m in the midst of moving out of self-love, or stuck in a place of uncertain decision making.  When I allow myself to truly feel into it, the correct choice always appears.

The path of truest self-love is identical to the path of truest service to the Universe, service to God, and service to family and friends.   This is not readily apparent and can quite often they seem contradictory.  Yet, the contradictions and paradoxes are all Maya.  It is a matter of connecting with the true meaning of what self-love means and what service means.

More on this and more on the affirmation later…

It’s been awhile since I posted.  I had so many profound experiences, and I wanted to write about each one.  And as the experiences piled up, I felt like I couldn’t skip ahead and had to write about them in order.  Until finally, I gave up on writing altogether.

I forgive myself in full and love myself for the process which led to this forgiveness.  I let go of any self-judgement and attachment to posting order or way and form of expression.

For now, I can start again, in this present moment.  

For all we ever have is this present moment.

And what we do with it is the only choice that we ever make.