Somewhere amidst the silence of the whispering winds I know it waits.

I stalk it through my meandering thoughts and unbidden feelings.

I see glimpses through the leaves, and taste it on the tip of my tongue.

With each breath, I close upon my prey.

Slumbering eyelids, softening awareness pull me beneath the waves.

If I surrender, I’ll lose it, and unbidden it will hunt me.

As I dream, it will haunt me, through the grasses of my unconscious.

With each breath, it closes upon me.

Reserves of strength within me are depleted.

I want to fight, fight, and fight on again.

Yet, the light within my chest fades.

With my last breath, I close.

It courses through my veins.

It slithers through my thoughts.

A ragged gasp of breath.

What is it that seeks its release within me?

A blood-curdling scream caught silent at my throat.

Shuddering, tremulous vibrations streaming through my bones.

A righteous fist expectantly dragging on jagged stone.

Who are you? Why are you here?

Jaw-clenched, eyes rolled back, breath suspended…

I wait… I allow … I plead …

To release.

So, the messages have come again and again.  It’s time to start writing again.  I’m not going to put a container on this, and decide what form it will take.  I will share that I feel writing 3-4 complete posts a week sounds good.  Will that happen?  I shall walk the path and see.

Much of this new writing will be more personal.  I find that when I try and write from an impersonal space, that the message lacks grounding, lacks tangible emotion, and isn’t firmly rooted in experience.  It can also get too didactic or theoretical, which I would like to avoid.   For my own personal journey, it is time now to share and open up more about my own challenges and life.  Authenticity and transparency are tenets I’ve believed in for a long time, yet have not fully owned or lived by.  And willingness to share my truth, regardless of fears or shame or guilt, is a sadhana of its very own.

I have been writing sporadically. Whether it’s personal journaling or letters to close friends, the words and meaning have been created over these last few years.   It’s time to share more, then, too.  I will sporadically find some of my old journal entries or other letters and bring them back here, as well.

Eventually, I might want to put a container on some of this writing. Whether it’s a book or booklet or website is unclear.  As well, as this flows, it may be time to seek out greater support for the writing aspect, as well.  I do have a novel idea that’s been brewing for several years.  That is all in the future, though.  For now, it is enough to practice.

Thoughts, emotions, spirit and feeling.  Not just intellectual meaning, but also emotional meaning, spiritual meaning, physical meaning.  These I want to convey in words.  Sentences may fail me.  Poetry may help.  Images may help, though I’ve never been one for image-based art.  We shall see what form this takes as I walk my path.


This quote appeared on my iPad yesterday. It didn’t resonate at first, but I re-read it, and suddenly, I knew it was exactly what I needed. It describes a beautiful practice that goes beyond witnessing your emotions. It’s tantric in nature. Celebrate your emotions, love them, laugh with them, embrace them. We are human. We have intense periods of negative emotions. Anger, Sorrow, Pain. Love them and they will serve you. Fight them, and they will haunt you.

I find that the challenge comes when I get caught up in the whirlwind of the emotion and forget that I am not my emotions. I am the guest house, and the emotions are the guests. When I self-identify with the emotions, then they control me. I become my anger, my depression, my sadness. Then, I lose myself, lose my connection with God, and become lost in the illusion (maya).

For me, the practice is having enough witnessing and detachment to observe when the emotional torrents begin, so that I may welcome these beautiful emotional house guests with joy, laughter, and love, so that they may cleanse my human guest house and heal my human heart.

The theme of the last two months has been self-love.  And oh has it been a journey.  I moved into grace, then fell far out of grace, and I am finally moving back into grace, back into a healthy, constant practice of self-love, self-nurturing, and self-acceptance.

My current mantra/affirmation:


It has given me such incredible healing and power.  I use it when I’m in the midst of moving out of self-love, or stuck in a place of uncertain decision making.  When I allow myself to truly feel into it, the correct choice always appears.

The path of truest self-love is identical to the path of truest service to the Universe, service to God, and service to family and friends.   This is not readily apparent and can quite often they seem contradictory.  Yet, the contradictions and paradoxes are all Maya.  It is a matter of connecting with the true meaning of what self-love means and what service means.

More on this and more on the affirmation later…

It’s been awhile since I posted.  I had so many profound experiences, and I wanted to write about each one.  And as the experiences piled up, I felt like I couldn’t skip ahead and had to write about them in order.  Until finally, I gave up on writing altogether.

I forgive myself in full and love myself for the process which led to this forgiveness.  I let go of any self-judgement and attachment to posting order or way and form of expression.

For now, I can start again, in this present moment.  

For all we ever have is this present moment.

And what we do with it is the only choice that we ever make.


There is an old parable of a guru-sage who spends the night on a mountain peak without shelter. He survives by focusing on a candle flame (or maybe it was a campfire started by his disciple on a different peak). He mentally ignores the cold and experiences only the flame, roaring in his mind’s eye, burning in his heart, and warming his body. He passes the night joyous and warm with this practice.

Did the guru just wake up one morning and have the ability to mentally focus and re-create his reality within his own mind? Or was it an ability honed by years of practice?

I live in La Jolla Cove. This piece of land juts out from the rest of San Diego and receives a heavy marine layer in the mornings and sometimes throughout the day. Even during some summer months, I walk out in the morning, overcast with fog, and I feel cold and chilled. Now, in mid-January, the sun is dimmed by rolling fog, and blocked out by tall, looming Eucalyptus trees. The sun’s rays flicker through the coastal fog and tree leaves and warm my skin even as the windy gusts cool my skin.

So many times I have complained about the cold here in La Jolla, wishing I was warmer, had more sun, or lived inland. In focusing on the lack of warmth, my whole body has felt chilled and I’ve retreated back into shelter rather than enjoy the wonder of the skies and trees. How many days and weeks and months of sunlight have I lost by retreating thusly?

As I sit here now, I feel the wind that whips the fallen leaves around me into a frenzy, the cold nip in the air that bites into my skin as I first step outside, and the sun’s rays that warm my skin wherever they sneak through the leaves. I choose to take deep pranic breaths as I sink into the warmth of the sun, to imagine the brilliance of light and heat enveloping me as I squint up at the fireball of heat and flame that lights our life. I choose not to think about the wind or temperature, and only about the sun and it’s warmth.

I am warm. I am nourished. I am loved. Thank you, Father Sun. Thank you, Mother Earth. Thank you, self.


– In grateful service of the Universe from my iPad

So I’ve been crazy sick for the past few days. I haven’t been this sick in 2-3 years, at least. Since I transformed my diet and went through my initial fast, I haven’t been more than slightly sick for a day or two at most. This time I contracted an intense head cold that gave me a crazy headache, serious sinus issues, coughing, and more, and it lasted over a week.

Another truth is that I haven’t been taking very good care of myself recently and during the illness. I skimped on sleep repeatedly in the days, weeks, and months leading up to my illness, and during the illness, I didn’t sleep or rest as much as my body needed and as much as I had time and space to. Furthermore, I used the illness as an excuse for not taking action, avoiding, and self-pity. What? Self-pity? Perhaps. Definitely the first two, though. Although I was sick and found it challenging to complete simple action items related to work and self-development, I found time to read blogs, write in forums, write in facebook, and other internet time-sinks. Why was the latter easier to complete than the former? A question for another time.

Suffice it to say, I didn’t exercise very good self-care this time. Sometimes I stayed up late and got up early due to legitimate responsibilities for my family and myself. Other times, it was simply because I was dissatisfied with my condition and frustrated, and I allowed the frustration to boil over into escapism or avoidance. Maybe there was an emotional trigger that I didn’t identify, after which I chose to self-sabotage.

To live in full consciousness that I have awareness, control, and choice over my feelings, thoughts, and actions at every moment is so incredibly powerful and healing, yet so challenging to sustain all the time. I get triggered out of full consciousness even when not physically ill. When physically ill, it’s much easier to allow triggers and unconscious choices to live my life for me. Yet in the end triggers, unconscious choices, and illness are all excuses. I accept this, and I acknowledge that I chose my actions these past few days.

There is such a fine line that separates learning from the past from self-judgment about the past, that separates acknowledging responsibility and choice from regret and negative self-talk, and that separates accepting the perfection of the present from disavowing responsibility for choice and ability to impact the future. In full and unconditional self-love and self-acceptance, it is so easy to forgive all past mistakes and sweep them under the rug, flushing out all negative emotions about them. Yet when the deluge of love flushes out all the negativity, all opportunity for learning often is swept away in the tide as well.

I acknowledge that I tried my best at self-care. I am responsible for my actions these past few days, and the results of increased term of illness, lack of actions taken, and milestones missed. Nevertheless, I did the best I could, reaching my fullest potential of capability in each moment that passed. I choose to see the past as a guidebook, full of way signs and markers for what path to take in the future so that results do not repeat themselves. Yet, the past is not a story about mistakes, poor judgment, and failure. It is an incredible learning opportunity that empowers future action, decisions, and thoughts.

Are we going somewhere? I want to know… I need to know our destination. Who, what, where we are.

Can we not just dance? Here upon this knife’s edge? Dance, pirouette, exult up to the stars, and bow down upon the razor’s edge?

I need to heal, or to release, to move out of the agony and the ecstasy of what we are now. I want more.

Create the more in the now. Live in the longing. The scent of consummation is the sweetest flower in the now. Be that.

How can I live in perpetual lack?

Is it lack? Or is it plenty?

Yet to know the path, I need to name it. I need to know whereupon I walk, what this path is.

Can’t you just dance? Here upon this knife’s edge? Who cares if the future goes to the right or to the left, or continues along the blade? Just Be. Just Feel.

And this acceptance of the now, of this experience. It is that. I am that.


Sadness by ~Zaana

Sometimes sadness is an ocean wave…

Ebbing and flowing with each wave.

Sometimes sadness laps at your toes…

Just barely touching your senses,

Yet where it touches, a cold wash of sensation.

Sometimes sadness just lives and breathes…

Rushing through the body, filling and releasing.

Sometimes sadness is just a gentle memory…

Of joyful moments gone by.

Sometimes there’s nothing to be done…

But to relish those memories, and cherish in the joy.


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