So I’ve been crazy sick for the past few days. I haven’t been this sick in 2-3 years, at least. Since I transformed my diet and went through my initial fast, I haven’t been more than slightly sick for a day or two at most. This time I contracted an intense head cold that gave me a crazy headache, serious sinus issues, coughing, and more, and it lasted over a week.
Another truth is that I haven’t been taking very good care of myself recently and during the illness. I skimped on sleep repeatedly in the days, weeks, and months leading up to my illness, and during the illness, I didn’t sleep or rest as much as my body needed and as much as I had time and space to. Furthermore, I used the illness as an excuse for not taking action, avoiding, and self-pity. What? Self-pity? Perhaps. Definitely the first two, though. Although I was sick and found it challenging to complete simple action items related to work and self-development, I found time to read blogs, write in forums, write in facebook, and other internet time-sinks. Why was the latter easier to complete than the former? A question for another time.
Suffice it to say, I didn’t exercise very good self-care this time. Sometimes I stayed up late and got up early due to legitimate responsibilities for my family and myself. Other times, it was simply because I was dissatisfied with my condition and frustrated, and I allowed the frustration to boil over into escapism or avoidance. Maybe there was an emotional trigger that I didn’t identify, after which I chose to self-sabotage.
To live in full consciousness that I have awareness, control, and choice over my feelings, thoughts, and actions at every moment is so incredibly powerful and healing, yet so challenging to sustain all the time. I get triggered out of full consciousness even when not physically ill. When physically ill, it’s much easier to allow triggers and unconscious choices to live my life for me. Yet in the end triggers, unconscious choices, and illness are all excuses. I accept this, and I acknowledge that I chose my actions these past few days.
There is such a fine line that separates learning from the past from self-judgment about the past, that separates acknowledging responsibility and choice from regret and negative self-talk, and that separates accepting the perfection of the present from disavowing responsibility for choice and ability to impact the future. In full and unconditional self-love and self-acceptance, it is so easy to forgive all past mistakes and sweep them under the rug, flushing out all negative emotions about them. Yet when the deluge of love flushes out all the negativity, all opportunity for learning often is swept away in the tide as well.
I acknowledge that I tried my best at self-care. I am responsible for my actions these past few days, and the results of increased term of illness, lack of actions taken, and milestones missed. Nevertheless, I did the best I could, reaching my fullest potential of capability in each moment that passed. I choose to see the past as a guidebook, full of way signs and markers for what path to take in the future so that results do not repeat themselves. Yet, the past is not a story about mistakes, poor judgment, and failure. It is an incredible learning opportunity that empowers future action, decisions, and thoughts.